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Wednesday, January 9, 2013


Were you sexually abused and does all the damage it did to you hang over
your life, coloring everything in your life? Do you think that you will never be able to get past it and be content and lead a happy, fulfilled life?
Can you not stop of thinking about and dwelling on the details for very long
and to forgive the one or ones responsible for the abuse? Does the Devil keep digging it up in your mind to remind you of it, and tell you that you can’t recover from it and put it aside in your life and let it go?
Well, the Devil is a liar, the Bibles says and the Father of lies! I didn’t recognize until recently that it was the Devil who insisted on my keeping this whole thing alive in my mind; even though at times, I thought I was done at last, dwelling on it at all.

The devil was telling me that my past abuse was just too terrible to get over
the grieving for what I had lost in my life because of all the abuse. The sexual abuse and parental abuse that mostly all happened as a child took my identity away. I didn’t know who I was! I had been violated in the worst ways possible!
In Truth, how can be anything worse than sexual abuse along with parental rejection? Most of my life I didn’t see how I could forgive my Grandfather for sexually abusing me. He used me for his own pleasure not considering what it was doing to me!

I was just an innocent, helpless little girl! And even when I grew up it was an unspoken family rule that I wasn’t supposed to upset the apple cart by upsetting grandfather or my grandmother or anyone in the family by saying anything about the continued harassment of my grandfather! Heaven forbid that I would tell anyone about the original sexual abuse, but my mother said that I did!
She said I told lots of people. That must have been when I was older but I sure was afraid when I was younger. Grandpa would threaten me that if I told anyone he would do things to me like cut off my arms and legs!
As I got older Grandpa continued to make advances to me and I felt that I
had to put up with it, and oh, how it would sicken me when he made innuendos and wanted to be held and kissed. I felt so trapped but I felt like I wasn’t important enough to be defended if I did say something.

How I got that idea was the way my parents had treated me all my life, like I had no
value. Nothing I said or did was good enough in their eyes. So, I just put up with the abuse the best that I could always trying to keep my distance from my grandfather but he would, for example, trap me in the bedroom when we had a family party to try to get a kiss, etc. and he would whisper things to me. He never quit making advances to me until he was 75 years old. That’s a long time to put up with that kind of behavior! When he was in a nursing home he got all stiff as he was dying and I put my hand on his head and became so nauseous I retched and thought I was going to throw up, I was sickened by
touching him! I pictured him on his face looking down into the flames of Hell
and him knowing that he was descending into it! It was such a strong feeling!

………… be continued.

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