Then I cried and cried at his funeral, not in grief because he died, but because of what he had been to me! I remember everyone saying to me that he was old and it wasn’t bad that he died. Years later I found myself in counseling because I couldn’t stop eating all the time, and what immediately came out of my mouth was that my grandfather had sexually abused me when I was a child. I still wasn’t over it! I remember he had started sexually abusing me when I was about five years old. I remember a bath he gave me in a tub in the middle of their cabin floor and how he had moved the wash cloth he was washing me with back and forth slowly in a sexual way. There were many other sexual things he did with me as I spent all my Summers in his company. He always kept me close to him. I was always doing things with him.
He continued to abuse me on into my teen years, often pulling me into his arms and asking me if I enjoyed it, and once even chasing me around the small cabin my grandparents had moved into when they retired, even with my grandmother just in the other room at the time. I couldn’t believe he could have been so bold! Gramma must have known what was going on, Granpa was making so much noise but she didn’t say a word!
Grandpa had been chasing women for many years and it wasn’t anything new to her. But to let him do it to her own granddaughter, I can’t understand! As a teenager I wanted so badly to have sex but I knew that it was wrong and I held out until I was 19 years old before I gave in to having it with a boy. I thought that finding someone to love me and having sex all the time was the answer to my feeling lost and lonely. I wanted to find a man to marry me so desperately that I looked in all the wrong places. I found out that I couldn’t find a man that wanted someone who had no direction in their life, except wanting a husband. I wasn’t fulfilled at all in my life and I didn’t have any other interests and goals. I was too needy, just wanting to be taken care of and wanting to have children and take care of them and my husband. But I really didn’t know how to do that, either.
Than I got pregnant when I was going to college and the boy wouldn’t marry me so I called Social Services and they put me in a home where I lived while I was pregnant and I gave up my son for adoption. I was devastated at having to give my baby. I had always wanted a baby and now I had to give him up to give him a chance at a good life.
………to be continued.