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Tuesday, January 29, 2013


Then I moved back home and met this young man who was all messed up and I became involved with him, and I married him and had two children. That was a bad marriage with no love in it. After three years he left me for another woman and my children and I moved far away from there and back to where my parents lived again.
My parents bought me a trailer home to live in and I moved into a trailer park to raise my two boys. I was very lonely and still lost, and went out looking for love in all the wrong places again. I went to a bar to meet men to try and find someone who would love me and want to spend their life with me.
I found out eventually, that most of them were married and I would drop them. But there were single men too, and they were all messed up, just as I was.

I got in trouble again and got pregnant. I was so scared that my parents would reject me that I looked around and found information on how and where I could get an abortion. Than I went and got one and it ruined what was left of my life for the next 25 years until I could finally accept Jesus forgiveness.
And now I still live with the regret that he didn’t get a chance to live his life and I didn’t get to raise him. When you sin like that you will always have the extra baggage of what you did. It won’t be ever be completely gone.

I had met a man at that bar I was going to, (who is still my husband) who eventually came to love me enough to marry me and accept my two boys too; and although the marriage was turbulent for the first 10 years or so, he stuck with me. Our marriage got better and better through the years.
Some time in those years my past came up in my mind and I couldn’t stop eating but I didn’t know at the time why until I went for counseling for the problem, as I mentioned before.
It wasn’t long as I went in for counseling again that I became childlike and was playing with dolls and I had a bear that I really was attached to and even slept with him and other dolls. I found some life-like fur dolls that had eyes that looked just like a child and they became my inner children in my mind. They each had a name and I felt that they had had a role in my childhood to help me survive and make it through; and that they still were helping me cope with life at that time.

One was about 3, another 9 and another 12 and another a teenager, and they all had names. I knew what role each child had in my life. This was Jesus’ way of helping me cope until I found Him and got saved, and than He took over and healed me so that I would look to Him for everything from then on. There was no longer an awareness in me of any inner children.
I hadn’t been allowed to be a little girl, so now I was kind of reliving my childhood, only at my family’s expense.
I had a husband and young children to raise. It wasn’t the greatest thing to be doing; reliving my childhood. I was also remembering some of the abuse and I would lie on the floor and scream this high pitched scream that expressed the intense pain I was in. It seemed like the pain was so intense that it would never end! It felt like it would go on and on, and it did go on for a long time each time that I would go down on the floor as close to being under the bed as I could get and scream.
You can only imagine what it was like for my husband to find me like that! He put up with a lot! More than most men and yet he stayed for the duration of all that I went through!

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